New Year Resolutions

It's still not late to wish everyone .
Merry Christmas , and Happy New Year . :)

I've spent the past five days back in my hometown celebrating Christmas , had a whale of time ,
i don't mind getting fewer presents this year , cause yala i am getting older . haha . The holiday is almost over , arr how time flies . next week kena sambung sem two of my studies .

Because it's almost new year , i'll make my 2013 resolution list .

1. Studies comes first before anything else  ( learnt my lesson the hard way last year , STPM is no joke , not easy at all ) struggle struggle and struggle more .
2. Improvise myself , mentally physically . ( wanting to be a better person , as a family , friend or girlfriend ) :)
3. Get things right , all the misunderstanding , hmm . i love my mom .
4. Ahaah and of course loosing weight (65kg at least) , haha .
5. Patience ! :) ( long distance relationship is never easy , but i have faith , hee , patience is sweet )
6. Start collecting novels , suddenly became a fan of reading books , hurm bookworm la suda katakan , hee .  ;)

I can't think of any other stuff for now , but i'll add on if i figure out anything , guess that's all for now , haha .

#i miss my babe , and my dear laa . Love you# <3
 

Dream came true . :)

i still remember clearly he once said "the day will come" , and since that day i've been waiting ..
hoping that it would come true , and it did , can't really put it in words to say how happy i am , the wait is finally over .. :)

Honestly, though i'm happy but there's still awkwardness in our relationship , but i'm quite positive we'll get over it soon enough , now i just can't wait to see him face to face and this time not simply as friends .. hha , i miss him .. <3

 Dream come true ? Well i guess you could call it like that , hee . :)

# Dear , i'm not saying that this would be easy for us , with distance setting us apart , but i'm sure it's gonna be worth it #

Overcoming Stresss .. Hmph

There are times , i just can't hold my tears ..
my mum , my studies , exams , expectations from people (people that doesn't matter are the worst) ..
 

Because i'm tired of this , so i googled up this "stress" thing , and here's what i found .. 

First, recognize stress:

Stress symptoms include mental, social, and physical manifestations. These include exhaustion, loss of/increased appetite, headaches, crying, sleeplessness, and oversleeping. Escape through alcohol, drugs, or other compulsive behavior are often indications. Feelings of alarm, frustration, or apathy may accompany stress.

If you feel that stress is affecting your studies,
a first option is to seek help through your educational counseling center.

Stress Management is the ability to maintain control
when situations, people, and events make excessive demands.
What can you do to manage your stress?
What are some strategies?

Look around See if there really is something you can change or control in the situation	Set realistic goals for yourself Reduce the number of events going on in your life and you may reduce the circuit overload
Remove yourself from the stressful situation Give yourself a break if only for a few moments daily	Don't overwhelm yourselfby fretting about your entire workload. Handle each task as it comes, or selectively deal with matters in some priority
Don't sweat the small stuff Try to prioritize a few truly important things and let the rest slide	Learn how to best relax yourself Meditation and breathing exercises have been proven to be very effective in controlling stress. Practice clearing your mind of disturbing thoughts.
Selectively change the way you react, but not too much at one time. Focus on one troublesome thing and manage your reactions to it/him/her	Change the way you see your situation; seek alternative viewpoints Stress is a reaction to events and problems, and you can lock yourself in to one way of viewing your situation. Seek an outside perspective of the situation, compare it with yours. and perhaps lessen your reaction to these conditions.
Avoid extreme reactions; Why hate when a little dislike will do? Why generate anxiety when you can be nervous? Why rage when anger will do the job? Why be depressed when you can just be sad?	Do something for othersto help get your mind off your self
Get enough sleep Lack of rest just aggravates stress	Work off stresswith physical activity, whether it's jogging, tennis, gardening
Avoid self-medication or escape Alcohol and drugs can mask stress. They don't help deal with the problems	Begin to manage the effects of stress This is a long range strategy of adapting to your situation, and the effects of stress in your life. Try to isolate and work with one "effect" at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself. for example, if you are not sleeping well, seek help on this one problem.
Try to "use" stress If you can't remedy, nor escape from, what is bothering you, flow with it and try to use it in a productive way
Try to be positive Give yourself messages as to how well you can cope rather than how horrible everything is going to be. "Stress can actually help memory, provided it is short-term and not too severe. Stress causes more glucose to be delivered to the brain, which makes more energy available to neurons. This, in turn, enhances memory formation and retrieval. On the other hand, if stress is prolonged, it can impede the glucose delivery and disrupt memory." "All Stressed Up", St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch, p. 8B, Monday, November 30, 1998
Most importantly: if stress is putting you in an unmanageable state or interfering with your schoolwork, social and/or work life, seek professional help at your school counseling center

How I Wish you to Know

July already , hmm first term exam is getting closer , 4 months plus that is ..
studying here for almost two months , i must say is not that bad as I expected ,
I made some new awesome friends , all of them are so cute .. ^^
studies are so far so good , but I must say my chemist lecturer is real fast in giving lectures , imagine being in chapter 5 in only a month plus . I don't even remember the topics (awesome student here) \m/ .

Lately kan (rojak language) , number of boys making their confessions is quite surprising (coincidentally at the same week as well) , I mean look at me , I don't have a pretty perfect face (dark and pimples everywhere) , I don't have a hot slim body , yet waw . Hrm I'm not even sure whether they're sincere or simply fooling around . There's this mister A first (but he's out of the list already, we're now besties) , mister E , mister H and mister J  , making their confessions , but hey what so you say you like me , wanna be in relationship with me , but does that mean I 'must' agree ? If you guys really cared you would see that everyday asking me what's my answer , everyday pushing me to accept you , very annoying guys , -,- .

But again there's a few boys out there who didn't propose any intention bout a relationship yet , they simply flirt around , play around (especially this mister F, i must say he's cute and charming in his own way). Hey I like it better that way , rather than making me to accept you .

Besides to be very honest , I'm actually still waiting , for a special someone , he's not anymore close ,  and yes probably he might already have that special person in his heart , but I'm not giving up just yet , I mean who knows it'll pay off , "good things come to those who wait" ,  3 years he said (his studies) , well for the time being if I can't find someone who suits me like him , then being single it is .. saying all these , I'm missing him more and more , his smile is what captivates me , if only I could get the chance to see it again (fantasy) , ima wait patiently till the day comes , but still I'm afraid though , that what if he found a girl he needs , a girl who suits him better . Hmm can't be too serious too right ?

Wonder how you're doing there , he's busy I'm busy , neither of us had text each other as frequent as we used to , I miss you la babe , I miss the sweet conversations we used to have , if only he knew kan that i still love him . I'm not gonna tell him those three words again , but inside I'm hoping he would know .. "please don't be in love with someone else , please don't have somebody waiting on you"(song lyrics by Taylor) . hmm , take care alright , bless you and love you dear ..




it's 12.39 pm already , it's my birthday today , sweet 18 Michelle .. :)
my wish , that everything is gonna turn out just fine , for me , my family , my friends (near and far) , and for everyone i cared .

May God bless all of you .. <3

Back to square one

Rainy days are over , all the clouds are gone ..
i'm all smiling again ..
yayy ~ :)

Lately i can't stop recalling the days we once had together,
aww i miss all that ..
but no i don't want to redo all those again ,
once is enough , no ? :)
i want to move on and hopefully
just hopefully i could find someone like you again
(still hoping it'll be you though) hoho .. ;)





Seriously i can't stop smiling like a total retard right now while blogging this ..
today i'm even more convince that the feeling i had wasn't that simple ,
my mood lightens up when i hear your name,
i smile by remembering yours ,
i giggle remembering you ,
and most of all hearing your voice made my heart skipped a beat ..






Weird huh how depressed i could be last few weeks ago
yet today i smile, i laugh like there's no tomorrow .. :)
This feeling ,
i'm not really sure how to put it in words ,
back i guess it's like back to square one ,
falling all over once again ..

No i don't care even IF you and i are not meant to be, or impossible to be ..
i love you this much , that much , you'll never know how much ,
cause you'd once touched me deep enough ..

you may not believe this , but i'm waiting .. :)
#keeping this all to myself# <3

Let's Just Smile It Away

really tired tonight ,
a long day of Taekwon-do trainning earlier ..
nothing much to say but awh i'm fucking tired of faking smiles and forcing laughter ..

hrmm , although things are getting better now ,
but apparently being alone would always switch my depressed mood on ..

*sighs*
trying not to think too much ,
school day tomorrow ,
and hopefully my mind won't go wandering off again ..
come come let's smile our problems away people ~~ :')

sore eyes again , but who cares right

# i still miss him </3 #

Feeling numb , not feeling anything at all ..

Earlier , i text-ed him ..
i needed someone to talk to , coz it's painful holding everything inside ,
but really i didn't expect countering rejection ..

i'd see this coming , i knew one day he'll tell me this ,
i prepared myself for that ,
but still it kills my mood instantly ,
but no i didn't cry , i felt like crying , but i didn't ..
felt numb inside , i'm not even sure what i feel ..

maybe , just maybe i'm someway relieved ,
to finally hear answers from him , instead of making my own assumptions ..
at least now , my mind won't go wandering off wondering about this , him , us ..
it lightens the burden i'm carrying now ..

*sighs*
honestly i'm tired of all these ,
don't even remember the last time i laugh ..

mister C ,
i'm grateful you finally replied to my text ,
i'm happy we're finally talking again ,
i'm glad you finally gave me your answers ,
i'm glad , that this isn't the end of our friendship ..

to myself ,
i'm sorry for being too vulnerable ,
i'm sorry for letting myself believe in promises easily ,
i'm sorry for getting my hopes too high ,
i'm sorry for always being the one waiting and eventually ends up getting hurt ,
i'm sorry i don't have the guts to face my problems ,
i'm sorry for letting myself easily hurt by words , assumptions and judgements ,
i'm sorry for crying too much till today there weren't any tears to be shed anymore ,
i'm sorry for all the heartbreak i caused ..

Mr. Stress is Coming

Seriously , can't put my feelings into words right now ,
first of all it was all the relationships stuffs ,
disappointments after hopes were escalated ,
(still waiting however)
but now education issue is adding to the stress I'm having ,

*sighs*
kind of jealous of my friends ,
some to matriculation , some to universities , some to assasi ,
some with SPA's , some are not even in Sabah now ..
me ? still in this humble town Beaufort ..
i'm not saying pre-U ain't good ,
it's just that when people see me ,
questions like "where are you studying now?" swarms me ,
and yes , with every answers i give ,
there would always be that face , that face ,
clearly saying "oh my god why are you in form 6 ??" ,
some would even give me that face of disappointments ..

i'm hoping people , grownups especially , would stop judging ,
saying form 6 is the worst choice i could possibly made ,
rejecting matriculation the second worst ..
it's stressing me out ,
cause you see , rejecting matriculation was not i repeat was NOT my choice at all ..
i wanted to give it a try ,
for once i might had the chance to live life independently ,

but no despite saying all that ,
i'm not regretting being here (pre-U) ,
it's just that , i don't know , stressing me out ..?
with all the assumptions , judgements ..
people hear me , it HURTS ..
you guys might say it is all a form of disagreement of the choices made ,
but do please , think before talking ,
you don't even know what i'm going through ..
:'(

saying all this i'm already crying ,
it had been a rough time for me since the past few weeks ,
i didn't finish my chores well at home ,
i can't pay attention during lectures ,
and what's worst i cried every night , sometimes out of nowhere ,
i just cried ..

praying this would all end one day ..
can't stand it all anymore .. :'(

Another HeartBreak It Is ..

The title says it all ,

i don't even know where to start the story from ..
but now that i noticed it , i was always the one waiting ,
i wait for dates . i wait for texts , i wait for calls , i wait for promises to be fulfill ..

he once said "the day will come"
well just last night i found out bout something that is far from that 'day'
and must i point out he used the word 'will'.. ?
i cried , immediately , i actually felt the pain in my chest ,
this pain , it's the same as the first time i felt it ,
when me ex lied and cheated on me ,
(whats worst innocently and happily holding hands , laughing and dating with that girl in front of me the very next day )

oh only God knows how heartbreaking that was ..
and now , again , last night ,
the guy i thought who would never hurt me like my ex did ,
actually had ..

but with this i also knew ,
it's not simply as a simple 'crush' as i thought it was , feelings were nurtured ,
i really did fall for this guy  ..
i fell for this guy who is funny , caring , a good listener and etc etc ,
much more to say bout him ..
his personality charms me and before i knew it i already am falling for him ,
thought i had the chance when he made his confessions as well ..

but then ,
sudden disappearance , no texts , no calls , no nothing ,
we lost contact just like that and finally last night i knew why ,
wasn't a pleasant feeling i must say ..

oh and my bad , didn't even mention my friend , Rachel ,
who was there for me cheering me up ,
although i get the feeling i'm annoying her with my dramas ,
but at the moment ,
it was no mistake at all calling her the moment i started crying , :')

Finally .. :)

Yess finally , my very own laptop ..!! :D
hipp hipp hoooraayyyy ..!

haha really happy , thanks to my aunt for this wonderful gift ..
having a laptop would really be helpful considering
that i am now a pre-U student ..
with all the assignments , presentation and all ..
*sighs*

anyway i'm still very grateful for this gift ,
coz yala me n my family would really think twice
in purchasing something this expensive ..

credits to my aunt ,
love you soo much ..!

p/s : i love u too mister C .. ;)

It's memories that kills ..

In a few more days,
i'm gonna be a school girl again (back to school people)
this time ima put a hundred percent on my studies ..

lately we texted (my ex) ,
and yes the feeling wasn't all the same as it used to ..
care ? yes . adore ? yes . Love ? hrmm i'm not sure ..
we talk and talked but he mention a lot of our past ..
painful ones ..
don't feel like blogging the story bout how he cheated on me ..

flashbacks of what we had ,
good ones bad ones ,
everything replayed in my head ..
darn it hurts .. i miss you , i miss us ..
but i know and i accept ,
there is no way we could go back to the way we used to be ..

one thing for sure , there's always that one special spot for you in my heart,
cause you'd filled a space no one could ..
take care dear .. 

Relationships can wait ..

seriously it's hard for me to keep on with this blogging stuff
when  i don't even have the privacy to blog .. *sighs*|

anyway , two things happened lately ..

number one ,
my ex , as expected came back to me
asking to be in a relationship again ..
well dude i'm soo thrilled to tell you how much i moved on since
the last time you cheated on me ..
look at me now bro , totally happy single ~~

okay the next thing is ,
kind of hurt but me myself don't get or see
what's wrong with me and this new friend of mine ..
i don't see where i stand in his life ..
for a while the way he texted me is as if i'm someone important
( and i even start trusting him)
then the next minute completely ignored me ..
well it hurts ..

really hate the feeling of being ignored ,
it brings way back to the past where my friends once isolate me in school ..
yes right now my friends and i had gotten better ,
but hey no matter how much i smile at the outside,
they'll never know what they did had left a scar inside..
it's hard to trust people nowadays ..
friends you trust ends up backstabbing you ,
guys who sugar coat everything they say ..

anyway , i think for now ,
what's best is to focus on my studies first ,
relationships can wait ,
i don't want to rush into one ,
besides if waiting for years would lead me to my Mr. Right ,
then what's wrong with being single now ..

A Long Wait ..

Yup Happy Easter everyone ..!
i really had fun visiting Saliwangan Baru during Easter ..
although it's a lil' bit rush and no proper preparation were made
but it was all fun and good ..

my grandma healthy and happy as usual ..
psssst ..  tell you a secret ..
only there, at grandma's place ..
i get to be a kid again ..
i get to jump around, run around, laugh out loud
together with all my cousins .. :D
i spent a whale of time with all my relatives there ..

what's fun is fun ..
but then when it's time to return home ..
a terrible landslide coincidentally happened at Rayu and spoiled all our plans ..
what made it worst ..
me and my family , suppose to board the 1.00 pm train ..
ended up boarding the 8.00 pm train ..
imagine the long wait of 7 hours at the train station
(the train station doesn't even have electricity supplies , not yet i mean)..

it was my first time waiting that long ..
but luckily my grandma was nice enough to deliver us food at hours interval ..
first it was ice-cream, later came some bread and egg, then came more ..
rice plus some vegi, fish and sardin ..
oh how i love my grandma for being soo caring ..

if it wasn't for my grandma we would be starving waiting ..
anyway i still enjoy this experience ..
the whole 'kampung2' and all .. <3 :)

I Think Of You ..

i hate it how a simple something,
let it be a song, a pic, a person, a place ..
all of those can remind me of the things i would want to forget the most ..
yes i lied when i said I've gotten over you, you're always still on my mind ..
even having ice-cream on my own reminds me of you ..
darn it hurts ..

i thought that one day ,
a guy would come along and help me forget everything i'm trying to forget ,
eventually weeks ago there is .. even though only for a short while ..
this guy .. hrmm seems like i kind of like him too ..
but yeah i'm not hoping for any further relationships and stuffs ..
i'm happy enough we're friends and i get the chance to know someone like him ..

really funny .. thinking bout my ex made me blue ..
but remembering the times i had with this guy could make me smile again ..
guess you can consider me still being in a heartbreak but at the same ..
just probably starting to fall for another guy ..