Back to square one

Rainy days are over , all the clouds are gone ..
i'm all smiling again ..
yayy ~ :)

Lately i can't stop recalling the days we once had together,
aww i miss all that ..
but no i don't want to redo all those again ,
once is enough , no ? :)
i want to move on and hopefully
just hopefully i could find someone like you again
(still hoping it'll be you though) hoho .. ;)





Seriously i can't stop smiling like a total retard right now while blogging this ..
today i'm even more convince that the feeling i had wasn't that simple ,
my mood lightens up when i hear your name,
i smile by remembering yours ,
i giggle remembering you ,
and most of all hearing your voice made my heart skipped a beat ..






Weird huh how depressed i could be last few weeks ago
yet today i smile, i laugh like there's no tomorrow .. :)
This feeling ,
i'm not really sure how to put it in words ,
back i guess it's like back to square one ,
falling all over once again ..

No i don't care even IF you and i are not meant to be, or impossible to be ..
i love you this much , that much , you'll never know how much ,
cause you'd once touched me deep enough ..

you may not believe this , but i'm waiting .. :)
#keeping this all to myself# <3

Let's Just Smile It Away

really tired tonight ,
a long day of Taekwon-do trainning earlier ..
nothing much to say but awh i'm fucking tired of faking smiles and forcing laughter ..

hrmm , although things are getting better now ,
but apparently being alone would always switch my depressed mood on ..

*sighs*
trying not to think too much ,
school day tomorrow ,
and hopefully my mind won't go wandering off again ..
come come let's smile our problems away people ~~ :')

sore eyes again , but who cares right

# i still miss him </3 #

Feeling numb , not feeling anything at all ..

Earlier , i text-ed him ..
i needed someone to talk to , coz it's painful holding everything inside ,
but really i didn't expect countering rejection ..

i'd see this coming , i knew one day he'll tell me this ,
i prepared myself for that ,
but still it kills my mood instantly ,
but no i didn't cry , i felt like crying , but i didn't ..
felt numb inside , i'm not even sure what i feel ..

maybe , just maybe i'm someway relieved ,
to finally hear answers from him , instead of making my own assumptions ..
at least now , my mind won't go wandering off wondering about this , him , us ..
it lightens the burden i'm carrying now ..

*sighs*
honestly i'm tired of all these ,
don't even remember the last time i laugh ..

mister C ,
i'm grateful you finally replied to my text ,
i'm happy we're finally talking again ,
i'm glad you finally gave me your answers ,
i'm glad , that this isn't the end of our friendship ..

to myself ,
i'm sorry for being too vulnerable ,
i'm sorry for letting myself believe in promises easily ,
i'm sorry for getting my hopes too high ,
i'm sorry for always being the one waiting and eventually ends up getting hurt ,
i'm sorry i don't have the guts to face my problems ,
i'm sorry for letting myself easily hurt by words , assumptions and judgements ,
i'm sorry for crying too much till today there weren't any tears to be shed anymore ,
i'm sorry for all the heartbreak i caused ..

Mr. Stress is Coming

Seriously , can't put my feelings into words right now ,
first of all it was all the relationships stuffs ,
disappointments after hopes were escalated ,
(still waiting however)
but now education issue is adding to the stress I'm having ,

*sighs*
kind of jealous of my friends ,
some to matriculation , some to universities , some to assasi ,
some with SPA's , some are not even in Sabah now ..
me ? still in this humble town Beaufort ..
i'm not saying pre-U ain't good ,
it's just that when people see me ,
questions like "where are you studying now?" swarms me ,
and yes , with every answers i give ,
there would always be that face , that face ,
clearly saying "oh my god why are you in form 6 ??" ,
some would even give me that face of disappointments ..

i'm hoping people , grownups especially , would stop judging ,
saying form 6 is the worst choice i could possibly made ,
rejecting matriculation the second worst ..
it's stressing me out ,
cause you see , rejecting matriculation was not i repeat was NOT my choice at all ..
i wanted to give it a try ,
for once i might had the chance to live life independently ,

but no despite saying all that ,
i'm not regretting being here (pre-U) ,
it's just that , i don't know , stressing me out ..?
with all the assumptions , judgements ..
people hear me , it HURTS ..
you guys might say it is all a form of disagreement of the choices made ,
but do please , think before talking ,
you don't even know what i'm going through ..
:'(

saying all this i'm already crying ,
it had been a rough time for me since the past few weeks ,
i didn't finish my chores well at home ,
i can't pay attention during lectures ,
and what's worst i cried every night , sometimes out of nowhere ,
i just cried ..

praying this would all end one day ..
can't stand it all anymore .. :'(

Another HeartBreak It Is ..

The title says it all ,

i don't even know where to start the story from ..
but now that i noticed it , i was always the one waiting ,
i wait for dates . i wait for texts , i wait for calls , i wait for promises to be fulfill ..

he once said "the day will come"
well just last night i found out bout something that is far from that 'day'
and must i point out he used the word 'will'.. ?
i cried , immediately , i actually felt the pain in my chest ,
this pain , it's the same as the first time i felt it ,
when me ex lied and cheated on me ,
(whats worst innocently and happily holding hands , laughing and dating with that girl in front of me the very next day )

oh only God knows how heartbreaking that was ..
and now , again , last night ,
the guy i thought who would never hurt me like my ex did ,
actually had ..

but with this i also knew ,
it's not simply as a simple 'crush' as i thought it was , feelings were nurtured ,
i really did fall for this guy  ..
i fell for this guy who is funny , caring , a good listener and etc etc ,
much more to say bout him ..
his personality charms me and before i knew it i already am falling for him ,
thought i had the chance when he made his confessions as well ..

but then ,
sudden disappearance , no texts , no calls , no nothing ,
we lost contact just like that and finally last night i knew why ,
wasn't a pleasant feeling i must say ..

oh and my bad , didn't even mention my friend , Rachel ,
who was there for me cheering me up ,
although i get the feeling i'm annoying her with my dramas ,
but at the moment ,
it was no mistake at all calling her the moment i started crying , :')