It's the Last that Counts here.

Yo, and no this ain’t the story about the date, that’ll be my on my next entry.

Let me just cut to the chase. UPU’s results are out on last Tuesday, and I – FAILED. There, I said it. Bummers, sounded so simple but the sheer impact of it just hits you like a wall. It seems that everything bad is all happening at the same time.

However number one on my list – I have no internet, NO INTERNET! In which my phone was broken as well. And since I am such the technology slave, it made me restless without. I’ll skip the how’s and why’s but it’s been longer than a whole week now, hell I wrote this post days ago only able to get it posted today, so ha lucky me I get to filtered out some unsuitable remarks, it was mostly my frustration talking so I am actually thankful I hadn’t had the internet for the last few days (only for the last few days, now – not so thankful).  If you’re reading this Rae, I apologized if my words were a little too harsh the other day, but seeing that you’re actually texting me, meeting me, as if nothing ever happened. I wondered sometimes whether this is the reason why we’d remain close friends for so long, me being too sarcastic sometimes to be oblivious, while you my dear Rae are too oblivious of sarcasm, well sometimes, your words can sometimes be much, much more badass than I could manage. But I’m thankful for that, ha-ha you know, in a good way. I still love you though.

Alright now I KNOW many of my friends (that includes you Rae) who DID pass and are accepted to enroll into U’s (with their respective choices and all), and are all happy and excited about it, I’m happy for you guys, seriously, congratulations. I am not jealous okay, well alright maybe a little but you still get my point, I am still glad for you guys, like yeah a whole new journey begins and yada yada yada. I know my disappointments sometimes get the best of me. But seriously? You see me being bitchy about all this and you accuse me of being a low sport. Whoa it actually impressed me when you speak of me like you know me.  But I’m not even gonna give you the pleasure by showing you my ‘displeasement’, if that’s even a word. I don’t know you well enough to even bother.

So let’s see, I aced my PMR and SPM, but everything turned south from there. I failed my SPA’s interview, my STPM is another downer, I failed my UKCG test, and now I failed in UPU. I applied for many job vacancies in between but still haven’t heard any news, they obviously don’t want me. Hmm listing all of my failures kind of makes me feel much, much and so-o-o-o much worse. I’m wondering if I was once a spoiled ungrateful successful brat in the past life, or maybe I committed huge sins so big that it brought the bad luck to this life. I’m also thinking that I’m destined to forever work my arse off on my family store, or to be married with some rich old dude my family approves of (please let it not be the latter, I’m just joking.)

So basically for the last few days, I was on one of my breaking-point-days, it all started with nosy acquaintances of mum asking me this and that about my future (it would be nice if they actually care, instead of comparing me with their sons and daughters, ouch) and then the results. What’s worse I have no one to vent all these crap to. *sighs* (currently cooing and cuddling myself with chocolates). Sounds like I’m whining here, so hmm let’s just move on people, but really, I am not that tough, especially on days like these. *sighs*.

And I am actually venting all these through blogging? Talk about loneliness. Have any of you ever felt true loneliness? The feeling of loneliness even when you’re in a middle of a crowd, there’s always people around you, yet you felt so distant from them. I’m feeling a lot of those lately, I can’t really put a finger on it, but I hate it.

 *double sighs*.

Okay this would be the last I’d be whining about all my failures, no more whining from here, gotta keep trying now don’t we.

Dear someone somewhere in the Peninsula, how are you? Hope you’re eating right, like I hope you'd quit eating fast foods every day, we both know your favorite so quit it, please? Eat lots of greens okay, you’re gonna end up dead sooner than you expect with all that crap you eat (hope I didn’t like jinx that). I missed talking to you. Hope to hear how you’re doing soon. Did you know your mum missed me? Does she ask you of me when you call her? Will you miss me then? She’s persistently asking of me, like why I hadn’t call her anymore, truth be told I never could call her again, I lost her number and you never  really gave it when I requested it, I honestly really, really missed her but what should I say even if I have the chance to call? Should I tell her? Something like “Um sorry to tell you but me and your son are no longer on talking basis now” or should I just tell her straight on that you’d left me and how utterly disappointing that is. I’m not sure whether I should feel happy or guilty that your mum is really fond of me. Why is it that I’m the one who actually felt guilty with all that had happened between us. *sighs* 

Hmm, anyway, you just take care alright, I think I’m okay with the whole sudden disappearance thing, yeah it was tough at first but I managed, thankfully. And it was from you I had actually learnt something, truly after so many never ending hurts, it all came back to me; I can never show my vulnerability at people, not anymore I will. I realized that I always had been showing my vulnerable side with people I trust, with the people I loved. Giving them the opportunity to actually use it against me, stepping me raw all over. I won’t allow it to happen anymore, if it meant keeping every little detail, every feeling, and every little secret to myself, then be it. I hope you go bald, you know. If everything you said, everything you promised turned out to be sugary lies. You being a lying jerk was the last I expected of you, not when I had known you since I was a kid, not when you were once my childhood crush, and definitively not when you always pointed out that I need to grow up. Yeah your actions were definitely very mature, disappearing on me, always playing the jealousy card, always with the you-listen-to-me attitude.  I cared, I honestly really did and I actually thought I did love you, but I really can’t get over the fact of what you did. *sighs* Just go bald, okay?

Whoa I just notice this, my first boyfriend left me around Christmas, my still-dear-in-my-heart left me around Valentine’s Day, and now the third left me around my Birthday. Hmm now that does seem like a pattern. Another sign of failure in this life? Oh wait that sounds like another whine, so let's stop.

 *sighs*.

Oh right, before I forgot,

To my dear, should I be honest? I am actually glad we didn’t like reconcile or something (for the time being, I hope, or maybe not, nah forget it). I know you may (or may not) hate me already, or maybe I’m just flattering myself thinking you still feel the same way as I do, ha-ha. You might be thinking that I’d friendzoned you or something. But no, truthfully I didn’t. You are still my dear, dearest. Even with the growing silence between us, I actually still care. I hope you’re doing fine. I won’t ask ‘how are you?’ or ‘how’s your day?’ something like that, I’m sure you won’t know how to answer that (for except answers like ‘I’m doing fine’) which I’m sure you are, I was actually thinking of asking things like ‘Did you missed me as much as I missed you?’ or maybe something like ‘What’s going really well at work right now?’. Anyway I hope working life is turning out better for you, it’ll get better when you get used to it; it might be hard at first, being in new places, new people, new environments and all. But I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it; you always do. So you just take care of yourself okay? Eat well, sleep well, stuff like that, wouldn’t want you to get sick again now don’t we. I really enjoyed our date few days ago, doesn’t really counts as the perfect date if all we’d been doing was eating, but I had fun, I thank you very much for that day. 

Okay and frankly speaking here, if we were to actually talk about kisses, it hit me; where does our relationship really stand? Because that’s obviously not a ‘just friends’ thing, but we’re not like lovers either, so it kind of sets the line between us, because if we were like a couple for real, I’d actually would be the first to take the initiative on our date few days ago, ha-ha. If I was your girlfriend then, then it won’t be weird if I hold your hand, or do hugs and kisses stuff like that, right? Right. I’m just saying. I really missed you, your soft smile, crook smile even, your exaggerated grin, your laugh! (definitely missed your laugh), your adorable chuckles whether timid or loud, your soft voice when you talk to me, and your sleepy groggy voice (Some days I am just so-o tempted to call you in the middle of night, just to talk to you, hear your voice; luckily my brain works harder than my heart so I’m able to hold it), bed ruffled face and hair, I remember touching your hair once, which was surprisingly soft! Hope I didn’t like creep you out with all that I noticed of you. I love your eyes, whether they’re cold or calculating or concentrating or suspicious or laughing or warm, like when you look at me. I missed all that. I can’t help how I am drawn to you, I have no definite explanation; when you’re in the room, I want to be by your side, and when you’re not, everything just felt sort of empty. (See, even saying all this, thinking about you had actually made me smile) *sniffles* Hope you’re doing great there, and if you’re already moving on or maybe have had somebody new, I’d be happy for you.

Uh seems like the waterworks is on the way, so I’ll just end my entry here.

P.s: I dare you to make me laugh.

P.p.s: the bald thing is a joke, I don’t curse (on occasions) ha-ha.