My dear Dear.

I have countless sleepless night,

I cannot remember the last time I went to bed smiling,

I was always in tears

hoping and waiting for that one text that never came.

But that night, after so long you of all people text me,

simply giving me a goodnight wish

Nothing it may seem to you

But it meant so much to me that night.

It was the first after so long, I smiled,

that single text of yours made me forget about what's painful and hurting

and with that I fell asleep, peacefully.

I even dreamt about you,

It was a simple yet a very, very pleasant dream.

We were sitting side by side,

my hand in yours, head on your shoulders,

we talked, we just talked.

For so long, for so many things that I could not remember.

I couldn't remember but one for sure I felt till the next day was very soothing.

Dear, that's just how you are to me.

Your very existence soothes me,

I cannot explain how but it just did.

I am not implying for a relationship,

Deep may my feelings be but insecurities is what standing between us.

Honestly I say, of all the boys I've been with

of all the pain I felt, of all the tears I shed.

You were by far my worst.

I cried the longest, felt pain the most (until I actually felt that pain in my chest)

when it was you. 

It is true, honest.

I can't bear remembering, can't stand reliving those memories.

Frankly it still haunts me.

Those pain you inflicted on me.

He who my family claimed to be a good guy,

yet he did the opposite of what's told,

He broke my heart when I decided to chose him over you,

I cannot stand seeing myself so vulnerable and easily stepped all over

I find insecurities in both you and him.

I know you but I don't know you.

I know nothing about you, your interests, your thoughts.

If then had I chose you,

will you stay or will you again leave when I least expected it?

I'm not confident that this is a mutual feeling, of mutual interest.

But it hurts.

I've been hurt again and again just when I thought I could give my trust.

I've been hurt even after I gave my all.

I remained quiet and patient to ease any argument,

I took every faults just so it could be better,

But none had really put that in consideration.

Everyone left, just when I was at my most vulnerable.

I've been hurt so much that I finally grew tired.

Tired, really tired that a mere thought of love loathes me.

I wanted, longed to be loved just as much as I love.

I ask nothing of sympathy of you,

May you will always be there to soothe my pain away

May you will always be there to give me strength when I'm at my breaking point

And forgive me, if my selfishness had brought you pain.
I'll tell you this.
I missed you, very much.

Always had and always will. 

love, dear.